Swine flu. Run for my life!
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
