my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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