fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
