I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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