this boner is exhausting
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
