I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
