K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
