I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
