I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
