My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
