During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
