You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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