Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
