im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
