i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
