Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
