If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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