My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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