I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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