She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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