every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
