i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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