And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
