Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
