i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
