She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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