home. puking in laundry basket.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
