OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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