My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
