It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
