What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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