I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
