when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She bit a glass in half.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He? As in you personified your dick?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
