that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
