Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
