You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
