i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
