So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
