How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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