Just fell off a train. Bad.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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