I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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