so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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