I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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