all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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