last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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