His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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