My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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