No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
