Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
