the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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