Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
