So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
